


Please hold and an operator will complete your request

by Lust



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Drinking, M/M, Texting, i dont know french™, i was listening to twilight's soundtrack while writing this, what is stranger danger i dont even
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 16:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3388844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lust/pseuds/Lust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scout is doing what any other young adult would do on New Year's: he's getting drunk out of his mind. In the process, he sends a text to an oblivious Australian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Scout

_Sniper_

**Spy**  


* * *

 

  
(Thursday 1.1.2015 12:13am)

h appy new yrsea ms Paulign!!!!

_(12:15am)_

_I am not sure who Pauling is but happy New Year to her._

(12:34am)

wh at

_(12:35am)_

_Sorry mate. You probably got the wrong number._

(12:39am)

whoo r u

_(12:39am)_

_Mick._

 (12:42am)

i don tknow anyone woth the name mick

_(12:42am)_

_Yea, you don’t say._

(12:44am)

im jame s but my friends usualy call me scout or scoot or somthign

_(12:45am)_

_Happy New Year James. I take it as you’re a kid at a party but since you are still texting you are either bored or sitting in a bush somewhere with your shirt full of your girlfriend’s vomit_

(12:47am)

I don’t Hat a Google.

(12:47am)

sry  i accidtly put auto correct on

_(12:49am)_

_Maybe it would be better if you left it that way. I might be able to understand at least half of the things you say._

(12:49am)

fuk u

_(12:50am)_

_Go home kid._

 

* * *

 

 

 (1:12pm)

shit man I am so sorry this is so fuckin embarrassing

_(1:43pm)_

_No worries mate._

(1:44pm)

no man really I freakin drunk texted you when I was supposed to text this girl or whatever

_(1:44:pm)_

_Better to text a stranger than your crush when you’re drunk?_

(1:46pm)

I don’t know I guess but it doesn’t change the fact that I am really fuckin sorry

_(1:46pm)_

_I said it was alright._

(2:15pm)

guess it is then. you sound like an old guy or some how old r u?

_(2:15pm)_

_You sound like a kid that still lives with his parents._

(2:16pm)

fuck you man I’m 22 not a kid

_(2:17pm)_

_Sure mate_

(2:17pm)

u didn’t answer my question you asshole

_(2:20pm)_

_What, how old am I? Information you don’t need to know_

(2:21pm)

come on man im trying to make friends here

(2:21pm)

47?

(2:22pm)

52?

(3:14pm)

don’t you fucking tell me you are 65 or something

 

* * *

 

 

_(9:45pm)_

_35._

(9:45pm)

It seriously took you the whole fucking day to answer

_(9:47pm)_

_Aw, did you wait by the phone_

(9:47pm)

u know what I already regret texting you back

_(9:48pm)_

_AND I’ve got a job. You know, when people go to work, make money and try to live with what you got and at the same time support your parents?  That’s what grown-ups do._

(9:48pm)

ur an asshole u know that? and who even works on new year’s day

_(9:49pm)_

_Yes because this is the second time you tell it to me today, you mongrel. And I just literally told you_

(9:51pm)

yea well whatever I have stuff to do anyways I don’t have to listen to some old douchebag’s useless rambling

_(10:02pm)_

_Technically, you don’t listen, you read._

(10:02pm)

r u fuckin kidding with me right now

_(10:04pm)_

_What who, me?_

(10:05pm)

you know what im just gonna deny u ever existed and same goes with this conversation

 

* * *

 

 

(Friday 2.1.2015 3:12pm)

you aren’t American right

_(4:23pm)_

_I never would have thought you’d actually keep on talking._

(4:23pm)

just answer the fucking question

_(4:25pm)_

_No, I am not an American._

(4:26pm)

what are you then

_(4:26pm)_

_Gee, I don’t know, a vampire?_

(4:27pm)

freakin unbelievable

 

* * *

 

 

 (Saturday 3.1.2015 1:23pm)

I know what you are

_(2:12pm)_

_Say it. Out loud._

(2:15pm)

enough with the goddamned twilight references ya chucklenuts

(2:22pm)

ur australian

_(2:23pm)_

_How long and how many studies did it take for you to figure that out?_

(2:25pm)

if we ever walk upon each other on the street I’m going to punch you with my baseball bat so hard you aint gonna be seein daylight for months

_(2:27pm)_

_Rude._

 

* * *

 

 

(7:02pm)

tell me something

_(7:04pm)_

_What do ya wanna know?_

(7:04pm)

y do u keep texting me back

_(7:05pm)_

_You are so far the most interesting thing that has happened in my life since one person who shall stay unnamed for now._

(7:06pm)

wow, mysterious

_(7:07pm)_

_Right_

(7:09pm)

no but seriously, tell me something about yourself

_(7:17pm)_

_I don’t know. I’m a boring 35 years old Australian male who works in America._

(7:17pm)

come on im sure there’s more in you

_(7:18pm)_

_..Uh, yeah_

(7:20pm)

what’s that supposed to mean

_(7:21pm)_

_Nothing. I spend most of my time in my camper van._

(7:21pm)

aaaiight creepy

_(7:22pm)_

_Yes. Stay away kid._

(7:22pm)

hah you wish

 

* * *

 

 

(11:38pm)

cant sleep

(11:46pm)

come on man I know you are awake

(11:52pm)

miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

(12:01am)

im just gonna fuckin spam u until you answer me

(12:07am)

who even names their kid mick is it short for something

(12:22am)

okay remind me not to drink more than 3 bonks a day alright

(12:32am)

whatever im starting to get sleepy anyway I don’t need ya goodnight douchebag

_(2:12am)_

_Sorry mate, work. Gnight._

 

* * *

 

 

(11:15am)

you work on Saturday-Sunday nights AND new year’s day? the fuck do you do

_(12:02pm)_

_Nothing special. You slept well?_

(12:15pm)

yea man guess I did but you know, not thanks to u

_(12:17pm)_

_I am very sorry I couldn’t be there reading you a bedtime story kid_

(12:17pm)

im not a fucking kid for christ’s sake

_(12:18pm)_

_Sure._

(12:22pm)

why are you such an asshole

_(12:23pm)_

_You like it._

(12:24pm)

yea I don’t want some old man in a fuckin camper van sassing me I know better

_(12:25pm)_

_Yet you are still here, talkin with me mate._

(12:28pm)

do you like, sleep the days and work at night

_(12:32pm)_

_Sometimes. In example, I haven’t slept since yesterday but I think I’m going to take a nap soon._

(12:32pm)

you fuckin kidding me rn how do you stay awake

_(12:33pm)_

_With the power of will_

(12:42pm)

I have a brother named will

_(12:44pm)_

_You got a lot of siblings?_

(12:44pm)

too many

(12:44pm)

there’s 8 of us and im the youngest

_(12:49pm)_

_I am so sorry for ya mate._

(12:51pm)

yea well what can you do ive lived my whole life with them and my ma and so far we are doin great

_(12:52pm)_

_What about your father?_

(12:55pm)

don’t talk to me about that asshole

_(12:57pm)_

_Alright. Hey kid, I’m going to take that nap now. Don’t drink more than three Bonks. Gnight._

(1:01pm)

yea wont do, goodnight mick :)

 

* * *

 

 

(9:18pm)

alright so I just got an email from my french teacher to remember bring our essays to him tomorrow and I forgot about the whole fuckin thing

(9:18pm)

you don’t happen to know any French don’t ya mick?

 

* * *

 

 

_(9:20pm)_

_Quick, tell me something in French_

**(9:22pm)**

**Like what? I am not sure whether I want to know the use for this at this time of the night.**

_(9:23pm)_

_No reason. Just give me a sentence or two, come on mate_

**(9:25pm)**

**Je t’aime, vous belle trou du cul.**

_(9:26pm)_

_Okay great, thanks_

 

* * *

 

 

_(9:28pm)_

_Je t’aime, vous belle trou du cul._

(9:30pm)

that all you know because otherwise that was a really weird fuckin choice for an example sentence man

_(9:32pm)_

_That motherfucking son of a fruit shop owner, I’m going to gun him in his sleep_

(9:32pm)

uuuuuhh alright

 

* * *

 

 

_(9:34pm)_

_From all the sentences in the world_

**(9:37pm)**

**I thought it was cute. Now let me sleep.**

_(9:42pm)_

_I’m going to revenge this._

**(9:43pm)**

**Yeah, well, that’s something I’d like to see.**

 

* * *

 

 

(Monday 5.1.2015 6:50am)

ugh kill me

_(6:52am)_

_Gladly_

(6:55am)

I woke you up?

_(6:56am)_

_Yes you woke me up_

_(6:57am)_

_Now please stop texting me and let me sleep_

(7:01am)

ahahahahaha alright alright good night or morning or whatever

 

* * *

 

 

(9:27am)

u awake yet?

_(9:28am)_

_I am now may as well get up_

(9:34am)

I cant believe this one dude on our campus like what the fuck is his problem im sitting in the library drawing and eating my fuckin sandwich in peace but he keeps staring like its his freakin business

_(9:45am)_

_You draw?_

(9:45am)

ur missing the point here

(9:45am)

but yes and no I doodle shit

_(9:46am)_

_Drawing is a great skill to possess, gotta have a steady hand. I need em too in what I do, that why I don’t drink coffee._

(9:48am)

lol im sure

_(9:48am)_

_Seriously considering shooting you in your sleep, mate_

(9:48am)

okay okay im sorry alright

_(9:52am)_

_You ain’t sorry_

(9:52am)

I aint sorry

 

* * *

 

 

_(11:38am)_

_Got a problem_

**(11:43am)**

**What is it, mon ami?**

_(11:43am)_

_A kid texted me accidentally_

**(11:43am)**

**I have trouble seeing where this is going.**

_(11:44am)_

_I enjoy talking to him_

_(11:48am)_

_He accidentally sent me a text on New Year’s when it was meant for his girlfriend or something I don’t know and I’ve talked with him ever since_

**(11:50am)**

**Mick it’s the 5th of January.**

_(11:51am)_

_Yeah like I don’t know that_

**(11:56am)**

**What makes this boy so interesting?**

**(11:57am)**

**I swear Mick if he’s the one who kept texting you when you were over the last time I’m going to stab you and destroy your phone.**

(12:00pm)

_Gonna put it on silent the next time_

(12:01pm)

**You better, mon chéri.**

* * *

 

_(1:37pm)_

_How did the essay go?_

(2:14pm)

sry a lecture. anygays it probably sucks ass I wrote it in like 20 minutes and when i was on my way to return the piece of crap to our professor he just shot me this look like he wanted to kill me right then and there it was fucking terrifying

(2:17pm)

anyways*** how did I even typo that holy fucking shit

_(2:19pm)_

_Nah, I’m sure it went well._

(2:20pm)

yeah easy for you to say >:(

_(2:23pm)_

_What’s up with the emoticons_

(2:32pm)

gotta have a way to express oneself yo

_(2:34pm)_

_You can do it fine enough without the emoticons._

(2:35pm)

what a pathetic try to make me turn against my own kin :)

_(2:35pm)_

_Yeah well, it was worth a try._

 

* * *

 

 

**(5:37pm)**

**I just read the worst essay I’ve ever read in my entire life.**

_(5:43pm)_

_How come?_

**(5:45pm)**

**Boy used the word ‘merde’ at least 3 times in a 500 word text and every single time written wrong.**

_(5:46pm)_

_Merde means shit doesn't it?_

**(5:46pm)**

**Oui.**

_(5:48pm)_

_Damn._

 

* * *

 

 

(9:21pm)

you know what I don’t give a shit what my French professor thinks he’s a fucking ass anyway

_(Tuesday 6.1.2015 12:02am)_

_Sorry, at work._

_(12:05am)_

_Kick his ass._

* * *

 

 

_(12:07am)_

_Don’t mind telling me the name of the student whose essay was “the worst you have ever read”?_

**(12:10am)**

**Are you kidding me right now Mick? It’s over 12 am and you are texting me when you very well know that I am sleeping, stupide.**

_(12:11am)_

_I’m sorry mate._

_(12:13am)_

_The name?_

**(12:14am)**

**Confidential, school policy. Pardon, mon chéri.**

_(12:14am)_

_Pretty please? Come on René I’ll buy you something, new tie or I don’t know_

**(12:15am)**

**If I tell you will you get off my back and let me sleep?**

_(12:17am)_

_Yes_

**(12:24am)**

**James Wilson.**

_(12:32am)_

_Oh crikey alright._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is really bothered to not know who the fuck he's texting to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHOS BACK BACK AGAIN
> 
> OKAY, UHHHhhh,,,, It's been two??? hellish years for me and shit am I grateful to post this fucking FINALLY
> 
> I like this chapter, alright,, it's a better than the first one I think and it still took me a shit ton of time to publish this and for that, I apologize. I promised to do it way sooner but I didn't and fdjnhfd whatever it's here now
> 
> I also rewrote the summary!! It isn't anymore about me whining how this is for my friends!! Because now it's for you!!!! I'm probably also going to uhhh, update the tags a bit to look not so...messy, ahah,,,
> 
> I've had this ready for way over a year, but I really wanted to add a couple of things I will mention at the end of this chapter, that I never actually got around to do so just..take this. 
> 
> Also, I really want to thank all you people who have left kudos and especially commented on this dumb piece. I made it cause I was bored and I generally find these kinda fics to be pretty good practice to get into the characters and it blew up to be way bigger than I ever thought it would be. I thank you guys so much for that. 
> 
> TheDutchArtist, you are the MVP of my heart. Without you, this chapter wouldn't be here.

 

Scout

_Sniper_

**Spy**

 

* * *

 

 

(Wednesday 7.1.2015 3:13pm)

_You have been suspiciously silent today._

(3:15pm)

um no i was just being nice and lettin you sleep and all

(3:21pm)

how's ya day been so far

(3:22pm)

_I actually just woke up_

(3:24pm)

lucky son of a bitch

(3:25pm)

_Thanks._

(3:25pm)

what are your plans for today

(3:39pm)

_Sorry, I took a shower. How come you are suddenly so bloody interested about my doings?_

(3:41pm)

_No wait you want to know what my job is don't you_

(3:45pm)

..no

(3:52pm)

so what it is that you do then?

(3:54pm)

come on dont keep me waitin like this

(3:59pm)

mick?

(4:04pm)

frickin unbelievable

(4:56pm)

_So how're your French studies going?_

(5:01pm)

smooth subject change dumbass

(5:02pm)

_It was worth a try._

(5:04pm)

whatever if ya wanna be all mysterious then dont tell me anything jeez my studies are going just fine

(5:04pm)

_Aw, did it get mad at me?_

(5:05pm)

i'm ignoring you

(5:05pm)

_Nah, I'm sorry mate._

 

* * *

 

 

(9:31am)

:^)

(9:33am)

_What in the bloody hell is that??_

(9:33am)

_Now that I think about it, it looks a bit like someone I know_

(10:15am)

I am fucking bored entertain me

(11:21am)

_Don't you have school?_

(11:21am)

exactly. howd it even take that long for you to answer???

(11:23am)

_No can do, mate. Have a meeting in a few minutes. Besides, I am at work, that's how._

(11:24am)

fuck you and your work

(11:27am)

you know like a shit ton of stuff about me but all I know about you is like, you are an aussie pretty old dude who is most certainly not unemployed

(11:32am)

_What do ya wanna know?_

(11:33am)

i dunno, do you have pets, whats your favorite color, where do you live

(11:33am)

that sounded so creepy

(11:35am)

_I don't have any pets, my favorite color is sunset orange and I don't really have a certain place I'm staying._

(11:36am)

what do you mean by not having a certain place to stay?

(11:42am)

_Because of work I travel here and there. I have a camper van._

(11:43am)

hot damn

(11:46am)

oh shit. now i know what you do

(11:46am)

you cook drugs.

(11:53am)

_????_

(11:53am)

you are not gonna tell me you have seen twilight more than once but never watched breaking bad this is right outrageous

(11:55am)

_You are one strange individual_

(11:55am)

YOU HAVE SEEN TWILIGHT MORE THAN ONCE DONT TELL ME IM WEIRD YO u FUCKING METAPHOR fOR A MORON

 

* * *

 

(2:12pm)

**So, Mick. How is that pupil of mine doing? Considering you are still talking to him. Which I think you are.**

(2:32pm)

_Never said he was your student_

(2:33pm)

**Mick, go figure.**

(2:42pm)

**You still talking to him?**

(2:44pm)

_Sometimes. He's quite the shot to be frank, kid has a damn weird personality._

(2:46pm)

**Are you even listening to yourself?**

(2:46pm)

_What_

(2:48pm)

**You are calling this teenager weird when you are a 35 year old Australian merc who has a kink for stranger danger.**

(3:02pm)

_Guess you are right, spook._

(3:02pm)

**Always am.**

 

* * *

 

 

(3:55pm)

_You never told me if you lived in your mother's basement_

(3:55pm)

fuckin creep were you scrolling doen our old messages

(3:56pm)

_James. We have known each other for barely a week._

(3:57pm)

Still why the hell would you

(4:01pm)

_You add dodging my question_

(4:01pm)

_are*_

(4:03pm)

who the fuck do you think i am?? some creepy dude with a fucking neck beard and a trilby?? for fucking SERIOUS

(4:04pm)

so no. i do not live in my ma's basement. at my mom's yes but not in the basement

(4:07pm)

_Eh. That's pretty close to me. I mean, who knows if you have a neck beard and a cheap hat. You could just say you don't. I mean, it's not like I have seen you._

(4:16pm)

You know, im starting to have second guesses about this

(4:16pm)

_What_

(4:16pm)

YOU LITERALLY SOUND LIK E A SERIEL KILLER

(4:17pm)

SERIAL***

(4:18pm)

_I guess you just have to trust me then?_

(4:18pm)

if i ever get kidnapped at least i know its you maybe if i play that stupid piano song from twilight youd let me go

(4:20pm)

_If I told you I've seen Twilight only once and none of the sequels, would you believe me?_

(4:21pm)

not for even a second you filthy fucking liar

 

* * *

 

(9:56pm)

okay so i thought about this whole seriel killer thing

(9:56pm)

FUCKING SERIAL WHAT THE FUCK

(9:58pm)

anyways i have decided to believe that you are in fact not a kidnapper and dont lure innocent students like myself into your creepy van

(9:58pm)

so im just gonna keep talking to you,

(11:15pm)

_":^)"_

(11:15pm) yea scratch that im blocking you

 

* * *

 

 

(9:12am)

YO YO WHO DIS

(9:14am)

okay so ive heard a beautiful birdie telling me that our scout has been noted for more than once about using his phone at class. i figured with my own brain that my baby bro must have a new fling and saw your name while he was being the dumbass that he is and being distracted

(9:14am)

so who r u and why hasnt he told us about u

(9:17am)

_I am thoroughly confused right now, you one of his brothers?_

(9:17am)

Dont matter. we r talkin bout u

(9:18am)

_I'm just a guy he accidentally texted to on New Year’s. Happy?_

(9:18am)

not really.

(9:18am)

_Give him his phone back._

(9:19am)

fuckin make me

(9:19am)

kay i gotta cause hes comin back but we aint done with you man

(9:24am)

okay so the strangest thing happened to me

(9:24am)

_I bet._

(9:26am)

I was eating breakfast when out of nowhere two of my brothers are like "scout come u gotta see this so i was like okay???? and they ran outside and behind our house and there was this dead bird

(9:27am)

there was a stick coming out under its wing and a note on it that said "u really do look hot" and a bunch of those girly xo things or whatever

(9:28am)

i was fucking creeped out at first but then jacob said "oooh is it from the person you text to so much" and then i knew it was just them making fun of me once again and i swear i almost fucking smacked both of them in the face with my baseball bat

(9:30am)

_So you haven't said anything about me to your brothers?_

(9:31am)

no???why the fuck would i its none of their business

(9:31am)

_True. You should probably start studying instead of texting every class though. You'll fail._

(9:33am)

fucking make me

(9:33am)

_Deja vu._

 

* * *

 

 

(9:45am)

_His brothers are getting involved._

(9:47am)

**Yes..the Johnsons are quite the bunch to handle. Good luck.**

(9:47am)

_Yeah, thanks._

 

* * *

 

 

(3:45pm)

Sun is shining, grass grows greener than ever, birds are singing

(3:45pm)

_Except the one behind your house._

(3:45pm)

and miss P invited me to her party! What a wonderful day indeed! Free booze and ladies!!

(3:46pm)

FUCK you had to go ruin that too i was having a moment

(3:47pm)

_It was beautiful. You should write with proper grammar more often. I teared up a bit._

(3:48pm)

maybe itll do some good for me to not talk to this asshole for one fucking day

(3:48pm)

_Even when you are talking to yourself you are texting me. You are addicted, Scout._

(3:49pm)

who told that nickname to you?

(3:51pm)

_You, on the day you texted me._

(3:51pm)

..oh

(4:07pm)

_Have fun at the party though._

(4:07pm)

yea will do

(4:09pm)

ill text ya if im too drunk and need a lift home

(4:09pm)

_What am I, a cab?_

(4:10pm)

you could as well be since you wont tell me!!!

(4:12pm)

_Fair enough._

(4:12pm)

naw itll probably be real boring anyways, doubt ill be drinkin too much

 

* * *

  

(11:23pm)

EEeeEYYYYYYYY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the reason why I didn't post this earlier, was because I really wanted to draw a couple of pictures for the end, which originally went like this:
> 
> \-----------------  
> (11:23pm)
> 
> EEeeEYYYYYYYY 
> 
> *selfie of scout being a dumbass with miss pauling and her girlfriend. miss p is also showing the middle finger but is actually having fun. Relatable Content*
> 
> (11:25pm)
> 
> I see you are having fun. I am having a beer myself too.
> 
> *pic of snipes’s hand that holds a beer can*
> 
> (11:31pm)
> 
> ica nt belive it took yo u thisjf long to sen d me a pictur é of you
> 
> (11:31pm)
> 
> Yeah mate, because you have spammed me with pictures of your face. First time seeing it too. We are even.
> 
> (11:33pm)
> 
> yyeah whatevf r man have dun with your ber  
> \--------
> 
> ...but I never got around to finish the drawings. I have the sketches tho, I might add them at some point but... yeah, uh,, I really liked this ending but it doesn't work without the picture so I just left it out and fjdgndfj yeah
> 
> And to the not so?? fun ?? part?? I don't know if I'm going to continue this
> 
> While I was writing this, I actually got an idea to the next part, but it's just a really small one and if I am to make it an update, it's gonna come way sooner than before (I swear to baby jesus yall) but it's probably gonna be a really short one. I don't know. Either way it's been a fun road and thanks you guys for being here for this fic and showing any interest to it, it means the world to me!!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> this was so bad oh my fucking go d i dont know shit about america


End file.
